Monday night I had a physical event, a sudden pain in my jaw, and radiating down my right side, it was overwhelming. I took some Tylenol, had a fitful night, but then went to work yesterday morning, and felt even worse...eventually found some aspirin and went home.
Now. I'm a smart gal. I know a thing or two about the need for medical attention...yet I didn't go to the hospital, or call my doctor. I did, however, pamper myself, went to have a bite to eat and heard some of my favorite musicians play a few tunes. I felt better, but I know I should have seen a doctor. The reason I didn't being that I simply cannot afford to have a heart attack, if that's what this was...or the pre-cursor to one. All the symptoms were there, but I don't have time, I don't have the insurance or funds, and I am struggling to make it on my own. I cannot ask anyone to pick up the pieces for me should I be hospitalized for a long time. I cannot afford to get sick, in other words.
So, after a little ukulele therapy, a smidgen of food, a lot of fluids, and advice from close friends, I realize I have not been getting things off my chest here in Kimmyville as much as I usually do. I realize that I have let my job distract me, even when I'm not at the office, in a way that is not so healthy. I drink, I carouse, I stay out too late, and I push my feelings down to put a happy smile on my face and keep going. Although I enjoy being in the audience, I too have an audience, and that, my lambchop, would be you. You reading my ramblings from time to time. You, sharing in my happiness, my discovery, my loss, my struggles. I miss you. I also realize that I need to blog, coz there's a good reason behind the phrase, "getting it off your chest." The cares and woes of the day and week and year - hell, the millenium, those can weigh a person down, with so much gravity, it's hard to get back up, is it not?
However, it is easier if you share your burden, right? I'm getting back up. I am taking baby steps, but am working my way out of this heat stroke thingie and concentrating on the fact that I'm happy to see August on my calendar, because that's when Summer starts to fade, the oppressive heat finally loosens its grip, football is back, and my choir has its "Fall" retreat (when we get our Christmas music and start working on it :) and it's when I can open my windows and let the breeze on through.
I need that breeze, and I need you...and I need my voice, I need my voice to be heard. For whatever reason, that's why I'm here: to write. I'm not a fantastic writer, but I'm sufficient. I am not a critic, but I do try to lift up those who devote a lot of time to entertain me. I've been fair, I've been unbalanced, erring on the side of being a nice lady and not saying mean and ugly things about people who sometimes are a lil bit mean and ugly to me. I don't like to confront, so I don't do it, and then it bubbles up in the form of a cardiac event, shortness of breath, unfathomable pain.
So here's yet another salute to all y'all who try so hard, and may you always have an appreciative audience. I do.
I guess I say all that to say this: I look forward to talking again, to another season of covering arts and activism and letting you know what's on my mind. I can't wait to see what we're singing for Christmas (hope it's Mozart, though :) -- and I am going to look forward to a healthier future, with lots of writing from my corner of the world, oodles of smiley faces and me saying, "peace, y'all."
Because, I heart you.
PS - Thanks for reading all this :)